I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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