The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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