I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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