so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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