Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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