It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
