I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
