I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
