I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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