omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
