I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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