I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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