you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
