If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
