when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
