I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize