I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
