Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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