First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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