You can't special order awesome
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
