Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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