I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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