I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
