you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
