I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
