he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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