There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Congratulations! We have a period
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
