I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
