Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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