I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
