What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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