i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
