There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
