every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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