hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My dick has a subreddit
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
