Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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