you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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