Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
