from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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