I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
