puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
