I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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