Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
