i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
