Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
