Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
