remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
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