i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
