We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
