im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
