I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
