Can i not drive my cunt home
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
