That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
