i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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