Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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