We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
