Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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