Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
