if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
sex in a hospital.. check
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
